Sheepishly sheepish.

I just asked my mother to bail me out of my mounting credit card debt. I feel so horrible. I cannot make ends meet at all. But, in my defense, I haven't had the support many people do get. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't make it ok that I am in such a pathetic financial situation. Gah! At least I won't have to pay interest anymore. Whew. I want to shred all of credit cards and cancel them but what if I'm in an emergency? I just have to keep telling myself shopping is not a valid emergency.

When I asked her for the money it was one of the few times in my life where my mother made me feel truely horrible, I felt like a low class human being. The disappointment in her voice was all too clear. Now I just have to receive words of death from my father when he wires the money to me. Yay!

I just wonder when all of this will end. When will I actually be able to enjoy my money? When will I actually be able to enjoy my life? What does having money have to do with enjoying life? I hate consumerism!

I guess I don't.....which is why I have found myself in such a pickle of a situation.

Then my mom was saying that I should move back east and live with them. The idea seems nice but its such a big risk! There are so many things about this country I like. And its not just about the consumerism and alcohol. I can join a hiking group here or go on road trips. Basically whatever I want. Society here is focused on what you want to do. Not who you're going to marry.

I wish a giant sign would pop out of the sky and tell me what to do. But I guess finding it yourself while making mistakes and taking wrong turns is what makes this journey called life exciting....