Dreams.

Last night I had the following dream:

I was taking the El to work in the morning and decided to walk a little and catch a it another stop. So I walked to Frankford and Pine (which doesn't exist) and as I was walking out of the alley I saw a few people on the street. There was a young white man who was walking in the alley with me and several young black men on the street I had walked out on. As we exited the alley the white man started to run. I thought about running but, other than a few black guys on the street, I couldn't think of why I would run. Just as I thought that one of the black guys pulled a gun on me, pushed me the ground, and took out my cell phone and asked me to press one of the buttons on my speed dial. But I couldn't unlock my phone.
Huh.

On a superficial level, I'm sure this dream has a lot to do with my anxiety about the obscene murder rate in Philadelphia, the fact that the projects are two blocks away from me, and that a young man in my neighborhood was robbed at gun point while walking his dog in broad daylight (he's ok). Perhaps, I'm also missing my old center city apartment (not too far from Pine street).

For a deeper understanding, I went here and this is what I found out:

• Robbery: an identity crisis or experiencing a loss in your life.


• Gun: aggression, anger, potential danger, issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Problems with confrontation and feelings of being victimized.


• Telephone: lack of communication, keeping relationships at a distance, avoiding issues that need to be confronted.

I'm sure this has to do with my crappy job, how I feel I've wasted three years of my life, and my anxiety issues about my future.

Sometimes I feel so scared about what's ahead of me it paralyzes me. I read an article the other day about taking risks with regard to external vs. internal security. I think I'm scared to take this risk because I'm find no solace in what gives me external security (a guaranteed job, some savings, work experience). As for internal security I am quite blessed (as my mother would say) in that I'm smart, can think, and make decisions. When I look at my situation like that I feel at peace and confident. I still get freaked out by the lack of my external support system though.