Struggling.

I feel really disconnected from everything. I feel like everyone I know is on this forward moving trajectory and I'm just spinning my wheels. I've been stuck in this "I hate my job but I'm about to go to grad school" phase for a long time and it's exhausting. I want to move on.

This weekend was terrible. I drank a lot and reverted back to my binge drinking behaviour that I've worked so hard to improve upon. I feel like my almost one year of therapy was totally blown out of the window in one night.

I'd like to believe that when I finally do move away I'll change and become a healthy and well adjusted person. But I'm not sure if that will be the case.

I haven't been able to sleep and am just this bundle of nerves. And stress. I have no idea what is going on.

If I think about it, it's really not surprising that my relationship with alcohol is what it is. I hate my job. It sucks the life out of me. My social life is centered around consuming copious amounts of alcohol. I can't change my job (for now). But I can work on being sober more often. I've contemplated never drinking again!! For serious this time. And maybe I'll really do it this time. I'm not sure.

It's kind of scary to think I might be an alcoholic. Scary and out of control. I don't really like that feeling.

As for things with the man, I think I'm forcing it to go somewhere and the more I try to take what we have a try to shove in the box called "relationship" it becomes that much harder it is to fit everything inside. I know he had a similar problem with his ex and so it would seem that I just need to let this one go. It was fun while it lasted and now it's done.

The thing is, I'm not looking for committed, let's plan out the rest of our lives relationship. I'm looking for someone to hang out with on Sundays and maybe one evening during the week. To me, that doesn't seem like a lot. And I get how it's just the beginning and blah blah blah but I feel like I'm getting nothing from him. Nothing. And I can make compromises and reach out to him because he's too flaky to reach out to me but there comes a time when enough is enough. And gosh, I've only known him for a month or something -- shouldn't this time be spent with us trying to get to know each other and not him being a total flake??? I have control issues and want everything to be clearly defined. If only life could be so easy.