The L Word.

Loneliness.

My apartment is clean, my applications are done, I've been rejected from one school. What shall I do next?

Tonight I'm checking out a book from the library and, if time permits, will go to the park and read. Then, maybe I'll go to B&N and browse through some books.

S. and I have been playing phone tag all week. With my phone dying, being out of town for the weekend, and his busy schedule its been hard to talk to each other for more than a couple of minutes at a time. He called me at work yesterday and was very apologetic for not calling when he said he would and to let me know he was thinking about me.

I'm really not sure what my feelings for him are. Three weeks ago, I was lost in la-la land. Is that a natural step 1? Is there a feeling before la-la land that I just skipped? I jump into these things very quickly and have forgotten how other people feel and react in the course of a relationship.

Anyway, I'm not sure if its because we haven't had a real conversation in a week or if its because I'm beginning to realize our lives and schedules are very different from each other's I've left my la-la land stage and am now in the indifferent stage.

In the few short weeks that I knew B. there were certain things he did that bothered me. At that time I would tell myself clearly this guy is wrong because he did x, y, and z. But I excused it.

With S. there are obvious things that stand in our way. Letting those slide by, he says he'll call and doesn't and, its only happened once, says we'll hang out and haven't. To his credit, everytime he's cancelled, something big has come up and I know he's not blowing me off. But do I really need this?

It could be that we're just looking for different things. I want something more serious while he just isn't able to provide that.

This is the definitive moment in my life where I have to choose: do I want him because he is just so extraordinarily amazing or because he is someone new to spend time with?

Does everything have to be so black and white where one decision is worse than the other? Can both be true and, at the same time, be the right decision?

We *might* hang out on Friday. I hope we hang out on Friday.